I am horribly ashamed of myself, its even hard to write my shame to anyone-even strangers. Alcohol has turned me violent, angry, I cry, I yell, I hit,,, Why does this start happening now? I used to be such a happy lighthearted drunk, now I am hell. I hurt people I love and there is no anger inside me while sober, especially toward these people. Still, I drink and then something is unleashed.. I slapped someone in the face yesterday for no reason other than my burning anger within, I yelled at him and I really care for him. What is this? I cry like a baby, I yell at the top of my lungs, I get violent, I cut myself. When sober I have such an air of confidence and control, I think things through and am responsible and known for my compassion that verges on being too kind sometimes. I have a heart that is horribly tender and never want to hurt people. The shame of what I become. I start drinking, a few beers, and I am lost, all alcohol must be consumed in my vicinity, I have to spend the last bucks on my bankcard unti I stop drinking. I have no control.

But the real question fixiated in the front of my mind is, why? And Where? Where does this come from, its as if there is a completely different person within me. Horribly fragile, sensitive, broken, angry and vicious. Someone that is not what I feel within me in my sober state. I have built so many walls within my heart and mind and now they are falling to pieces. I was supposed to stop taking my medication this year and have been ebbing my way off of them for a few months now, but now I think I need to go back to my normal dosage if not higher. I push everyone I get close to away, wallow in this loneliness, and almost get close to loving but then this monster within comes and ensures no one can get close to me. Its not me, I dont know who this person is. I am desperate for how to change. I know I need to stop drinking, the thing is, I dont drink that often, but when I do I always get blacked out and it only takes a 6 pack to put me over the edge these days. Its depressing as hell, with the saying that a drunken mind speaks a sober heart, then my heart is black and a cold empty place. I dont want to be that. I despise myself for being capable of the things I do.